I recently had to discuss relationship factors and what makes a longterm relationship. I certainly do not speak authoritativly on this topic, but I love where I am in my marriage and therefore feel compelled to ramble on. Here’s my posting. Thanks for reading.
Personal Observations
Stenberg’s Triangular Theory of Love has always been compelling to me. It really simplifies the dynamics of a relationship without detracting from the importance and meaning that is instilled in my personal experience. I suppose I could say I find it validating in my experience (2nd marriage, 3 relationships) I clearly see where my former marriage and relationships lacked and I see how my 2nd marriage (12 years) is balanced. There is one component that I believe really deserves its own point on the triangle; that’s trust. Trust is something I never had till my current marriage and without a doubt, it is the gatekeeper of the other three elements in our marriage. Without our trust, we would not have intimacy, passion or commitment.
Intimacy – This represents the closeness that one can experience with a partner. This is particularly meaningful when one person reveals their vulnerabilities to the other for support or validation. It can be summarized as the bond and connectedness that arises from closeness and giving and receiving emotional support. (Rathus, Nevid and Fichner-Rathus, 2008)
Passion – This factor speaks to the desire, sexual and romantic that a couple experiences. Personally, I find that my wife defines my passion in her being. Our romance is supported by our attraction to each other and our desire to know more about each other. We somehow manage to maintain independence, thereby contributing to the our attractiveness to each other. Esther Perel summarizes these contrasting feelings well in her 2006 text stating,
For some of us, love and desire are inseparable. But for many others, emotional intimacy inhibits erotic expression. The caring, protective elements that foster love often block the unselfconsciousness that fuels erotic pleasure.
(Perel, 2006, p.xv)
While on some levels this text was beyond my threshold of agreement, I could relate quite well to the balance of intimacy and erotic desire. Being so intimate with someone that there is little or no mystery remaining seriously detracts from the levels of desire one feels for that person. Maintaining individuality in a relationship is as key to passion as intimacy. It’s the balance of both.
Commitment – Commitment speaks to personal and collaborative dedication to maintaining the relationship. For me this is very key for my current marriage and has contributed greatly to the trust that we maintain. We both know that we are committed for life, through whatever comes our way and that trust in each other’s commitment allows for the unabashed expression of intimacy, vulnerability, love and desire as well as some feelings often avoided including anger, sadness and guilt.
Trust – As touched on in the other factors above, this trust exists in all elements in a long-term relationship. This is not to say that I trust my wife with absolutely everything. Rest assured, I am extremely uncomfortable with her and technology, just as she is uncomfortable trusting me and money. When it comes to me and our marriage, I can trust my wife absolutely without question. I know that she is committed to our relationship and will do all she can maintain that commitment. I also trust myself with our marriage and her well being. She knows I would never do anything to hurt her or our marriage.
Often, I struggle with expressing much of what I’ve expressed here as it sometimes sounds too dreamy or maybe irrational. But, I can assure you that it didn’t come cheap. I spent several years in a failing marriage and various relationships before achieving something I thought never possible. I believe in our love without doubt and believe that its longevity is a given; because I can’t imagine being anywhere else.
Adam T
References
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity – Reconciling the erotic + the domestic (1st ed.) New York: HarperCollins
Rathus, S. A., Nevid, J. S., & Fichner-Rathus, L. (2008). Human sexuality in a world of diversity (7th ed.). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.
